A Summary of FFVII
by Jennerfirst
Summary: Jenner satirically summarizes the hit game Final Fantasy Seven for fans, anti-fans, and new-comers alike.


There are people who have played Final Fantasy Seven, who are rabid fans of the game, and who like to reminisce about it. Then there are people who have never played the game, do not understand the hype, and want to know what all the fans are talking about. I've got you both covered with...

echo Jenner's cliff notes to Final Fantasy Seven! /echo

(As seen on the G4techTV Forums)

This Fanfic is rated **F** for Flameworthy.

It contains:

"Criticism" of a game with a gigantic rabid following of fanboys.

Spoilers

Poorly Censored Cursing

Mature Themes

Sexual Referencing

Sarcasm

Mild Language/Innuendo

Reader Discretion is advised.

Disclaimer: The Game FF7 is VERY long, and it took me a long time to write it all out, even in summary, so I hope you all enjoy it.

PART ONE

-DISK ONE-

Cloud: What a lovely day, I get to wander around a train full of dead guards, and get into fights with living guards whom will soon become dead guards too.

Biggs, Wedge, and Jesse: Hi, wow, what a huge sword you must be overcompensating for something.

Barrett: I'm a giant imposing black man with a disturbingly white daughter. I swear a lot and have a nasty attitude because that's what all black people are like. I have a gun for a hand, and that means I'm cooler then Mr. T, even if I act just like him. You're going to come with me and join my terrorist group, AVALANCHE, because I hired you.

Cloud: Okay. But first, let's wander around this area for a while so I can act all weird as I place a bomb.

Barrett: Sure thing, that's weird #&$ man!

Guard Scorpion: Hi.

Cloud: Ror.

Guard Scorpion: :( -deaded-

Jesse: Okay, well, we just killed a boss and planted a bomb, lets escape back to the city.

-Fast forward to the City-

Flat-Chested Flower Bearing Chick: Hello, would you care to buy a flower it's only one Gil.

Cloud: Eh, sure, what are you doing here?

Aeris: Starting a love triangle and making everyone fall in love with me.

Cloud: Cool, see you later, I'm going to go jump on that moving train now.

Aeris: Have fun.

Jesse: This is how the trains work, you don't really need to know this, but it makes the game more real. We're gonna blow up more stuff soon though, okay?

Cloud: Cool.

Barrett: Let's go to the hideout first.

Wedge: Slick, let's all run straight for a bar!

Barrett: Good idea, then I'll throw you all out of it to show how much of a bad4$$ I am.

Jesse: You'll let us back in right?

Barrett: Of course, back into the hide out, for plot progression.

Cloud: Inside Joy.

Boobs--I mean Tifa: Hey Cloud, I've had the hugest crush on you for the longest time, I'm so glad to see you again. We've been Friends for forever, I know almost all your secrets, secrets that are very important to the plot and safety of our team, but I'll keep them quiet out of love for you. Wanna have a flashback with me?

Cloud: Maybe later, here have a flower.

Barrett's disturbingly white daughter, Marlene: I could have taken that flower too...

Barrett: Right, anyway, everyone down here!

Boobs: But--

Cloud: Later.

Boobs: Fine.

Barrett: Here's the base, get to know everyone.

Cloud: Hi.

Everyone: Hi.

Cloud: I gotta go I'm late for a flash back.

Boobs: Remember when we were kids and we had that talk on that roof for the sake of plot significance?

Cloud: Yup.

Boobs: Good, flashback over.

Barrett: Here's your pay 1,500 Gil, let's go blow up more stuff.

Cloud: Okay.

Barrett: To the Freedom Train!

-Batman music!-

ID Check: Hey you're not supposed to be on this train.

Everyone: -Flees to the sewers, and runs around the sewers a bunch killing guards and being acrobatic.-

Biggs: Hey, this environment looks disturbingly like the reactor we blew up a little while ago.

Wedge: So it does, Cloud, you're not gonna freak out again are you?

Cloud: Yes I am. -Weirdness, plants bomb-

Barrett: Okay let's escape now. -Everyone runs away.-

Shinra Guards: Not so fast.

Shinra President: Hi.

Cloud: Hi, this reactor is gonna blow up.

President Shinra: Aw Snap, to the escape-copter!

Jesse: That was easy.

Air Buster: Hi.

Barrett: Ror.

Air Buster: Ack! -killedly-

Cloud: -Plummet!-

Barrett: (#&$!!

(In a Church)

Aeris: Hi again.

Cloud: Hi.

Reno: Hi.

Aeris: Shoot.

Cloud: RUN AWAY!

Aeris: -nose dive-

Guards: Ror.

Cloud: Donkey Kong's them into oblivion

Aeris: My hero, wanna come back to my house?

Cloud: ...sweet.

Aeris' Mom Elmyra: Hi.

Cloud: Crud. Oh well, I'm still staying the night.

Flashback: Hi.

Cloud: Hi, I'm gonna wake up and sneak downstairs now.

Flashback: Okay, see you later.

Aeris: Hey.

Cloud: What's up?

Boobs: -rides by- Hi Cloud!

Cloud: Aw snap, we have to rescue her.

Aeris: Don Corneo has her.

Cloud: Okay, we'll just sneak into his place then.

Mansion Guard: Chicks only.

Cloud: Okay, I'll just go crossdress!

Tailor: Here, have a dress.

Gay Gym Leaders: Do Squats with us and have a wig.

Cloud: -Crossdresses-

Aeris: Hot.

Cloud: To the sex mansion!

Don Corneo: -picks a chick-

Cloud: -Rescues chicks/is rescued by chicks-

Don Corneo: -dumps into sewers-

Cloud: ow, I had this weird dream about the Shinra Headquarters...

Apusu: Fight me.

Cloud: Okay.

Apusu: -smote-

Cloud: Wanna crash the Shinra HQ, by going through a train graveyard and climbing an ungodly massive number of stairs, then get in another boss battle?

Aeris and Tifa: Okay.

-They all start doing that-

Barrett: Hi

Cloud: Hi.

Reno: Hi.

Cloud's Sword: Hi.

Reno: -flee-

Cloud and Tifa: -mess with a bomb-

Tseng: I'm going to kidnap Aeris.

Cloud: Okay, don't do anything I wouldn't. -Escapes with everyone else-

Tifa: Darn, I was starting to like her.

Cloud: Yeah, I better go tell her mom.

(at Aeris' House)

Cloud: Hi Aeris' mom!

Elmyra: Actually I'm not her mom.

Cloud: How shocking! ...This doesn't mean I have to go through your whole life's story does it?

Elmyra: Yes, it does.

Cloud: Argh, damnit...

Elmyra: I took Aeris from this dying woman at the train station. But I didn't know iwhat/i I was getting myself into. The kid was completely nuts, always talking to herself, claiming to hear voices; it really freaked me out. One day she told me my husband was dead, and like a week later I got a letter saying he had died. This Tseng started showing up, started trying to take Aeris away from me... blah blah blah.

Cloud: Wow, is there anything more you have to tell me?

Elmyra: Nope.

Cloud: Okay, bye. -Jilt-

Barrett: Well, since she's important, I guess we'll just go rescue her!

Cloud: I was thinking the same thing, I'm inexplicably starting to like her. So, what's the plan?

Barrett: First, we'll run all over town like idiots, then we'll buy a few batteries, then we'll resume wandering town and restore power to things that previously had none. Do a lot of acrobatic jumping and climbing. After some time we should reach a huge building.

Cloud: And since it's a huge building, it has to be Shinra Headquarters, right?

Tifa: Sounds right to me. -they go do that-

Shinra Headquarters: Yo.

Cloud: Ooh, a big shiny front door, I wanna bust in!

Barrett: Through the front door?

Cloud: ...yes.

Tifa: We could take that huge flight of stairs like you wanted to before.

Cloud: Right, we're definitely breaking in through the front door. It will show how crazy and Bad4$$ we are.

Barrett: ! Proof of Bad4$$edness?! I'm _so_ there.

Tifa: But you'll miss all the humorous conversation.

Cloud: Trust me it wasn't much of a loss.

Barrett: No one wants to listen to you when they can't stare at your chest while doing so.

Cloud: -Be's a tactical idiot and busts in the front door-

Guards: WTF is he INSANE?

Cloud: MY GIANT IMPLEMENT OF STABBING SAYS NO!

Guard One: Can't argue with that. –slain-

Guard Two: No we definitely can not. -Killed-

Elevator: -plays cheesy synthetic music all the way to floor 59.-

Cloud: More guards! Bloodlust!

Guards: Crap -murdered in cold blood-

Cloud: Excellent a blood-encased keycard.

Barrett: It was a perfectly clean keycard until we came along.

Cloud: Well put, back to the elevator!

Elevator: 60th floor, massive game of hide and seek.

Tifa: What's that supposed to mean?

Barrett: I have no idea, but I have the overwhelming urge to avoid detection by the guards all throughout this level despite the fact we have been utterly thrashing them this entire time.

Tifa: There's an office over there.

Barrett: Let us make haste to that office!

Tifa: Hey Cloud, go shimmy past those guards then signal us by.

Cloud: B-but... Killing... :(

Tifa: DO IT.

Cloud: -grumbling, bes all stealthy-

Barrett and Tifa: -Also Stealthy-

Tifa: Yay stairs! -bounce... bounce...bounce...-

Cloud and Barrett: -Reconsider the stair approach...-

Guard: Yo, Wassaap!

Cloud: I'll handle this. -looks directly at guard- ...

Guard: Silence? WHY you must be the repairman! Here, have a keycard!

Elevator: Level 62, city officials.

Tifa: Oooh yay!

Cloud: Yeah, we're skipping that.

Elevator: Level 63, annoying door maze.

Barrett: What's on level 64?

Elevator: Save Points.

Everyone: 64, it is!

Cloud: I feel shiny. -They disregard floor 63, and go up-

Elevator: Level 65, map building and random encounters.

Cloud: Off we go. -They get all the map pieces-

Finished Map: Here, have a keycard.

Tifa: Oooh, some stairs! -bounce...bounce...bounce...- Oooh, a bathroom! -skip!- Oooh, some ventilation shafts! –shimmy- Ooooh a secret Shinra Corporate Meeting! –spy-

Hojo: I'm Evil

President Shinra: I'm Eviler.

Hojo: No, _I'm_ Eviler.

President Shinra: I'm more Eviler.

Hojo: No, _I'm_ much more Eviler, and to prove it, I'm going to leave this meeting and lead those people in the ventilation shaft up to floor 67.

Cloud: Yay!

Reeve (I think that was his name): Dang, he is evil.

Party: -Follows Hojo to floor 67-

Tifa: Ooh boxes!

Cloud: Grrkt, zurk, fggkyt!

Barret: Damnit Cloud, stop freaking out!

Elevator: Floor 67, Lab, bestiality.

Cloud: WTF is that s'posed to mean?

Hojo: Hehehehe, puppies.

Aeris: ...this is just wrong.

Red XIII: Let's do it doggy style.

Cloud: Hey you, stop messing with the T rating this game got.

Hojo: Okay, right after this pr0n!

Cloud: Hey Barrett, watch Aeris.

Barrett: Already am...

Red XIII: -Attacks Hojo-

Barrett: Aw...

Sample HO512: ROAR!

Cloud: ROAR!

Sample: Oh, my mistake. -defeated!-

Lab Guy: Here, have a keycard.

Barrett: #&($#in' generous of him.

Rude and Tseng: Hey guys, come with us.

Party: Okay.

Shinra President: Hello adventurers, this game hasn't had the mandatory RPG jail scene yet, see ya there!

Cloud: Oh well, we're trapped might as well go to bed. Wakes up with his door open

Bloodtrail: Psst over here...

Cloud: ...how did I sleep through that? -frees party, follows the wet red road-

Tifa: Hey, it's those boxes again.

Red XIII: Hey, let's go up those stairs. -They do so, and follow yet more blood.-

President Shinra: -187ed!-

Palmer: Dude, the President is dead, and I'm really redundant.

Rufus Shinra: Man, I'm hot, I can't believe how much of a sexy bishounen I am, so much hotter then you Cloud, except when you wore that dress. By the way, I'm taking over the company.

Cloud: Okay, I'm going to split up my party now. Get lost guys.

Tifa: I'll wait out here for you.

Barrett: Don't worry, I'll take care of Aeris and the &ing cat-thing.

Hundred Gunner: No you won't

Barrett: YES I WILL! –wrecks-

Heli Gunner: NO, you WON'T

Red 13: -destroy-

Heli Gunner: :(

Rufus: Can we fight yet?

Cloud: Sure. -kicks his arse-

Aeris: Hey, the front door! -Escape!-

Giant Mob of Guards: -Thwart that escape!-

Barrett: Darn, we're surrounded!

Cloud: That's okay, it gives me a chance to be REALLY cool. EVERYONE IN THE VAN!

Tifa: What about you?

Cloud: I'm going to ride behind you on this sweet motorcycle and bludgeon people with my sword until we encounter a boss battle.

Tifa: okay. Let's him go about his business

Motor Ball: Sorry I'm late!

Cloud: That's okay. -breaks it-

Barrett: Hey, let's go to Kalm.

Cloud: Great idea!

Aeris: Why is that a great idea?

Cloud: 'cause there's flashbacks there.

(In Kalm)

Receptionist: Some Flashbacks are waiting for you upstairs.

Cloud: -Rushes up- Woohoo!

(In Flashback)

Sephiroth: OMG I am SO HOT, look how SEXY AWESOME I am, check out my BIGASS sword.

Big Freaking Dragon: Hi Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: -obliterates BFD-

(Back in Kalm)

Flashback: I wasn't done yet!

Cloud: Oh, sorry.

(Flashback: in Nibelhiem)

Guards: Hi, talk to him.

Sephiroth: Goddamn I'm awesome, everyone is going to think I am the most bad$$ person ever, always, into eternity no matter what else comes along in the future because of just how overpowered and merciless I am.

Kefka (did not really appear at this part of the game): You know, I actually SUCCEED in my goal as a villain, no villain has ever done that other then me, I am a better villain then you.

Sephiroth: The Fanboys don't care about the facts, screw credentials AND past job experience! They only care about how cool I look, how big my sword is, and how much of a bad4$$, MotherF---er I am.

Squaresoft: Let's throw wings on him later to make him even cooler.

Cloud: Hehehe, I'm going to Tifa's room...

Sephiroth: Okay, see ya, I'll be over here playing with matches and foreshadowing.

Cloud: Good to know. OOH A PIANO! -plays a sweet tune- Whew, all that pianoing made me tired, I better go stay at the inn even though my house is right over there.

Sephiroth: Hey, G'night.

Cloud: You too. Zzzzz -wakes up later-

Sephiroth: Mornin'

Tifa: Hey, I wanna take a group photo!

Sephiroth and Cloud: Okay.

Cloud: I'm going to a mako reactor now.

Tifa: I'll follow ya!

Cloud: -Discovers Gravity!-

Mako Fountain: Fancy meeting you here! Sephiroth is over there, you better follow him.

Cloud: Will do! -Does-

Sephiroth: Hey, this looks like _the_ perfect place to flip out and go crazy, but first, let's look in that chamber.

Cloud: Wow, its got eyes on its breasts.

Sephiroth: No wonder they put this mask thing over it.

Cloud: It feels so familiar.

Sephiroth: ...Isn't this my mother?

Cloud: Could be, go crazy already?

Sephiroth: Don't mind if I do!

Your Mother: -Stolen by Sephiroth-

(Back in Kalm)

Save Point: Wow, that was a WHOLE lot of plot right there, we don't want to go back through that again, no matter _how_ cool it was.

Flashback: May I continue now?

Save Point: Sure.

(Flashback: Back in Nibelhiem)

Cloud: Ooh a mansion. Sweet, A library!

Sephiroth: Hi again, I'm still cool as hell and crazy as a mother.

Cloud: Good to know, I'll see ya soon, I'm going home.

FMV: Check out how cool Sephiroth is.

(At the Mako Plant)

Cloud: That was unnerving, I better go to the chamber room.

Tifa: Hi, I'm incapacitated.

Cloud: -moves her- Be such over here. -Follows Sephiroth into the room-

FMV: OMG, the village is totally burning, wow! Sephiroth is really cool isn't he?

Sephiroth: -poses awesomely- Fight me if you dare, wussy!

(Back in Kalm)

Giant Snake: -patrols-

Cloud: Dang, I need a Chocobo.

(at Chocobo Farm)

Cloud: Wark.

Chocobos: -get their boogie on-

Choco Billy: Here have some grass and a chocobo lure and go crazy.

Cloud: Suhweet. -Catches a Chocobo-

(Outside Kalm)

Giant Fsking Snake: DINNER!

Chocobo: -avoids the giant #$&ing snake-

(At a Mine)

Snake on a stick: I am yummy and delicious, and this really, really hurt.

Rude, Elena, and Tseng: Fancy meeting you here! We were just leaving!

Cloud: Us too.

(On the World Map)

Tifa: Giant Golden Bird! -rushes off!-

(At Fort Condor)

Guard: Yo, Junon is over there, you should go there.

Cloud: Let me in anyway, so I can steal your stuff!

Citizens: We want money.

Cloud: -cheap/poor- Maybe later... TO JUNON!

Tifa: Wait, there's some woods over there, lets get in a fight.

Yuffie: Waaaw -strikes a Karate Pose-

Cloud: you are THE _worst_ ninja ever. -Clout-

Yuffie: Ow... -flee-

Cloud: ANYWAY, to Juno--that's one big fscking gun...

(in Junon)

Percilla: Wassap.

Mr. Dolphin: I'm an animal!

Bottomswell: I'm a boss battle.

Cloud: -throttle- not anymore.

Percilla: I like CPR!

Cloud: So you do! I'm gonna go rest and have a weird dream now.

Percilla: Thanks for rescuing me!

Cloud: -Has a weird dream, goes back to Percilla-

Percilla: Here, have this summon and come to the beach with me.

Cloud: Here dolphin, dolphin, dolphin... come toss me to a cutscene!

Dolphin: Okay.

Cutscene of the Highwind: Hi.

Shinra Officer: Hey, I'm a security person, you look suspicious, go change to resemble us and continue about your shady business.

Cloud: Okay. Wow, he was the best security guy ever.

Shinra Guards: Not only that, let us show you how to march!

Cloud: -Does the march thing-

FMV: Isn't this city pretty and cool? That makes it pretty cool!

Cloud: sneaks into a marching troop and gets his march on

Random Information: Sephiroth has been here. Better practice.

Rufus: Perform for me, soldier.

Cloud: -gets his perform on-

Rufus: Good work -Rewards him, and exits-

Cloud: Maybe I should go...

Red 13: Lets sneak on that Cargo Ship!

Cloud: ...okay.

(On Cargo Ship)

Barrett: I look hawt in my sailor suit.

Alarms: NO YOU DON'T

Cloud: Let's move people... oooh, an officer.

Officer in red: Actually, I'm dead.

Sephiroth: But I'm not, here, take this boss battle.

Jenova Birth: Eat your vegetables! Clean your room! Wash behind your ears! Be home by eleven!

Cloud: Who do you think you are?! My mom or something?!

Jenova Birth: ...actually--

Red 13: You're fishfood! –killate-

Cloud: Look, um, I'm hunting Sephiroth, and you guys are coming with me, okay?

Rest Of Party: Sure thing!

(At Costa del Sol)

Tifa: Ooh, a helicopter.

Rufus and Heidegger: Plot, plot, plot!

Cloud: Ooh, this calls for sunbathing! wanders off to the beach.

Mukki: Hi.

Cloud: -points and laughs- your name is funny. -Leaves to the world map.-

Barrett: Let's jump some tracks, fight a bird and go to North Corel. -They do so-

(At North Corel)

Barrett: I'm popular here, 'cause like, this is my town and stuff. This other guy and me totally got traumatized here.

Cloud: Good for you, this town blows, I'm going to the shinny place. -takes the ropeway-

(at Golden Saucer)

Cloud: Yo, Aeris, come with me. -wanders off-

Aeris: Told you you'd like me.

Cait Sith: Hi, I'm a cat on a stuffed moogle. I'm totally fake, and someone is piloting me from somewhere else. Let me tell your fortune!

Aeris: -cutely- I love fortune telling!

Cait Sith: -all kinds of wrong, but is really right and foreshadowing-

Cloud: Wow, you really suck at this fortune telling.

Cait Sith: ...yeah, but I'm still coming with you.

Cloud: Okay, but only because I can't stop you.

Cait Sith: Good, let's go to the Battle Square.

Cloud: ooh, battle. HOLY CRAP a Guard has been killed!

Dio: OMG you totally killed him.

Cloud: What? No I didn't! I would remember enjoying it! –Flee-

Robots: You killed that guard, you honestly, truly did! To the Gateway to Heaven! -chuck!-

Cloud: That sounds kinda nice... WOAH!

(In Jail (again))

Cloud: Some Gateway to Heaven...

Weird Guy: -Follows you annoyingly-

Barrett: Do I get a flashback yet? You've been hogging them all!

Cloud: That's 'cause I'm one of the only three characters with actual substance, and who isn't a senseless copout stereotype.

Barrett: I want my own desperate attempt at character background!

Cloud: Fine.

Flashback: Hey look, Barrett's arm got shot off, that's why there's a gun there. He had this friend named Dyne too!

Barrett: Yeah, it was really traumatic. We'll meet Dyne soon.

Dyne: Sorry I'm late, check it out, I have a gun arm too!

Barrett: Poser! -crushes him!-

Dyne: Darn it... -Sepukku-

Cloud: Happy now?

Barrett: Yes.

Ester: Hey you, you look like the main character to an RPG, come race for freedom!

Cloud: Okay, -does so-

Buggy: Right this way, to conflict and plot progression.

Barrett: right on.

Reno and Rude: Hi, CONFLICT!

Cloud: VIOLENCE, Resolution.

(At a Burnt Out Mako Reactor)

Barrett: Aww man, that means we can't blow it up.

Scarlet and Tseng: Huge Materia.

Cloud: Riight... -continues on his way.-

(At Gogonga Town)

Random NPC: Let me tell you about this cool SOLDIER guy named Zack.

Cloud: Okay.

Random NPC: I just did, but he looked just like you.

Cloud: -Leaves town-

Buggy: Hey, there's a building over there I better break down and force you to walk to it.

(At Cosmo Canyon)

Red 13: Hey, I live(d) here. -runs off-

Cloud: Here we go again... -follows Red 13-

Red 13: This is Bugenhagen, he's a very cool and very crazy old man!

Bugenhagen: Yo, gather up a party and I'll teach you stuff.

Cloud: -does so-

Bugenhagen: Right, so, this is our planet, it's all precious and stuff because it's where we live. It's threatened by technology and machines and stuff because planets are fragile, 'specially unnamed ones. This is the Lifestream, it's really cool, this Lifestream influences Death and Life and controls and harnesses the power of both, a cycle of birth and dying that we must all submit to as living things.

Red 13: That was deep grampa.

Cloud: -yawn- Let's go to a bonfire!

At bonfire

Red 13: Wanna go through some caves under the observatory, and fight a boss?

Cloud: okay. -They proceed-

Gi Nattak: Rowr!

Aeris: -Cures him to death-

Red 13: sweet. Follow me. -They do- This is my dad, he's a hero, he's turned to stone and filled full of arrows. He was really cool, and stuff.

(Back at the bonfire)

Red 13: Hey, let's go.

Repaired Buggy: -Takes everyone to Nibelhiem-

(In Nibelhiem)

Tifa: Hey this place doesn't look too bad for a city that was burned down.

Cloud: Yeah, except for all the weird black critters skulking about. I'm going to wander about town and retrace my steps to progress the plot.

Tifa: Cool, I'll be wandering about being expendable.

Cloud: -Molests coffins-

Vincent: I'm a vampire/demon/guy, I'm going to join your party, lament over lost love and be generally angsty goth the whole game.

Cloud: Welcome aboard! If you need me, I'll be in the basement.

Vincent: -weep- I don't need anyone anymore, I'll be forever alone!!

Cloud: -escape-

Sephiroth: Hey, welcome back! It's a great reunion for us. You, and I, and our brothers...even our mother. One big, fat, genetically altered family.

Cloud: Um, what?

Sephiroth: Never mind, DUCK! -toss!-

Cloud: -struck upside the head with a materia-

Sephiroth: -Exeunt-

Cloud: Ow... -picks it up- Hey look, a mountain!

(At Mt. Nibel)

Cloud: Hey, I remember this place from my flashback! I guess I better aimlessly wander around tunnels. -He goes about doing that-

Materia Keeper: Hi, I'm a boss battle.

Cloud: No, you are totally WASTED! -Beatdown- Ooh, a town!

(In Rocket Town (Not to be confused with Funky Town))

Yuffie: Eee, a rocket ship, can we go to the rocket ship?!

Cloud: Sure...

Shera: Hi, welcome to the house. I'm an abused spouse.

Cloud: Cool, see ya in a minute, we're gonna go into the Rocket Ship.

Cid: I'm a nasty bitter old pilot who mistreats the only person who loves me. I smoke so that the player will think I'm cool, and now I'm going to compete to swear more then Barrett. Get the (profanity) out of my spaceship!

Cloud: We wanna borrow your plane.

Cid: ...Why?

Cloud: To save the world.

Cid: Oh, okay, go back to my $#&ing house!

Shera: I'm sorry...

Cid: -storms in- STFU, $#&ing wench! Bring them some &#$ing tea! -storms off-

Shera: ...he failed at being the first man in space, his rocket failed. Now he smokes and drinks and beats me.

FMV: Here's Cid failing.

Cid: returns Have you gotten them there &#$ing tea yet, #&?!

Palmer: Hey! Come out here!

Cid: Grr, running around like a #&$ing decapitated chocobo...

Rufus Shinra: Yo, I want your plane.

Cid: What for?

Rufus Shinra: World Domination?

Cid: Oh, okay then, no.

Shera: Hey, come over here, Palmer is trying to steal the plane.

Cloud: -Rushes out to stop him, kicks his hiney!-

Palmer: I'm still alive!

Random Truck of Irony: -Pow!-

Palmer: Nevermind -smushed-

Cloud: Take off, Take off!

Ship: Hey, did you know that every time you get an airship in an RPG it crashes?

Cloud: No, I didn't...

Ship: Oh, well, it does. -le crash-

Plot: Wanna go to the Temple of the Ancients?

Cloud: Do I ever!

Plot: Right this way!

-At a small hut near the Golden Saucer)

Random NPC: You need a Keystone to get into the Temple of the Ancients. Dio has it.

Cloud: Thanks, I'll head there now!

(At the Golden Saucer)

Cloud: Quick! To the Dio showroom!

Yuffie: Oooh a Keystone...

Dio: No touching!

Yuffie: But, I really want it!

Dio: Okay, I'll let you have it if the spiky guy kicks some butt for my amusement.

Cloud: I can do that. -Kicks some butt in the battle square-

Dio: Cool, here ya go.

Cloud: A sidetask shouldn't feel so good. Hey, let's get out of here!

Aeris: Rope's broke.

Cait Sith: Hotel is over this way!

Cloud: Cool, I'll be in my room.

Aeris: Hey, I have a better idea! Wanna go on a date?

Cloud: ...Sweet, without your mom this time?

Aeris: Absolutely!

Cloud: Okay, I'm going to do my best to be distant and resist and deny my helpless attraction to you.

Aeris: Excellent, You'll be loving me before this is over!

Eventer: Our 100th couple! You get a special honor!

Cloud: We're not a couple...

Eventer: Get in the $#&ing play.

Cloud: -Gets his actor on.-

Aeris: I never knew you were an actor!

Cloud: I'm very good at pretending to be things that I'm not, I've had years of practice at it.

Aeris: ...I'm just... gonna get in the gondola and be disgustingly innocent and cute. Wow, this place is so beautiful.

Cloud: ...yeah, it is...

Aeris: You know you want me, I'm just so gentle and precious. My music theme just invokes feelings of adoration.

Cloud: You're right, I do want you, it's the oddest thing because we really didn't spend much time together since we spent the better part of our time in the game with you being kidnapped and me falling down holes...

Aeris: "I want to know more about...you."

Cloud: Wow that's a terribly symbolic, deep and open-ended statement.

Aeris: I know! Combined with the sexual references, well-placed fireworks, overall romantic atmosphere of our situation, sexual tension between us, and especially since the screen is only showing the gondola and not what's going on in here, the fanfic writers are going to go crazy about this! Oh, look at that, the ride is over!

Cloud: Wow, that was really significant and romantic, I hope I scored.

Cait Sith: Uh oh!

Cloud and Aeris: -Chase him all over-

Cait Sith: Hail Mary Pass to Tseng!

Tseng: (from Helicopter) Thanks for the Keystone!

Cloud: Woah, you betrayed us.

Aeris: You're so grounded!

Cait Sith: You can't ground me! They're holding Marlene Hostage!

Cloud: Son of a... I'm going back to the hotel!

Barrett: You're not gonna let them keep my adoptive daughter are you?!

Cloud: ...ooh, so THAT's why she's white!

Barrett: C'mon, let's go hunt those Turks down like dogs!

(At the Temple of Ancients)

Cloud: Oh boy... more mazes.

Barret: Check it out rolling boulders!

Yuffie: This is just wonderful!

Aeris: I'll be up at this pool having other people's flashbacks.

Elena and Tseng: (in flashback) woah, check out these crazy murals.

Sephiroth: Hey Aeris, check it out! I can make copies of myself, wickedly.

Copy of Sephiroth: -Jaunts down to the pool then rushes off-

Cloud: I'm glad that's over, LET'S GO CHASE OLD PEOPLE!

Old Man: Stop chasing me and go through that door.

Sephiroth: Ehhehehehe, I'm going to become one with the planet, assimilate the lifestream, and summon a giant angry rock! What are you going to do?

Cloud: This. -Freaks out!- I have my own double, _see_?

Sephiroth: Whatever, loser.

Red Dragon: -Attack-

Aeris: -Slay!-

Cloud: Hey slick another materia!

Red 13: The door is locked.

Cait Sith: That's okay, I'll move the plot forward!

Cloud: Oh look, a boss battle.

Demon Gate: G'day to you.

Red 13: -thrashes-

Cait Sith: Hey look, the Black Materia, I bet this is what is used to summon Meteor, we better keep it away from Sephiroth, I'll hold onto it since I've never betrayed you before! -ker-splode-

Cloud: pillage Give me that, you stupid, anamatronic, plush. Only an idiot would trust you! You just walk over and GIVE important objects to our enemy like a goddamn retard!

Sephiroth: Hey Cloud, may I have that please?

Cloud: Sure, here ya go. -Gives him the Black Materia-

Sephiroth: Hey thanks, now kill the woman everyone loves.

Cloud: Um, all right, but a child version of myself is going to try to stop me unsuccessfully while I do so.

Child Cloud: Darn snappy I am.

Cait Sith 2: WAIT, Don't kill her, I'm not done sacrificing myself to regain your trust yet!

Red 13: Hey man! Don't kill her, you like her!

Cloud: -enters dream-like state-

(inside aforementioned dream-like state)

Aeris: Blah, blah, blah, importance. Prepare for tragedy!

(Back in the real fake world)

Aeris: Hey guys, I have some very important praying to do, I'm going to leave this party and take a quick pilgrimage to my ancestral home so I can set myself up to be ambushed. In fact, I'm going to leave all my equipment and materia here with you... I won't need it where I'm going!

Tifa: Was that some kind of freaky foreshadowing?

Cloud: Bah, let's not worry about it. I'll miss you Aeris; we'll meet you there.

(In Gogonga Town)

Cloud: How did we get here?

Cid: Who (profanity) cares, lets just keep movin'!

Cloud: Alright team, we have to meet up with Aeris. Hey, the plane-turned-boat magically teleported to this location so I can use it to continue the game!

Barrett: Hey that city looks like a bunch of bones man, let's hit that.

(In the Bone Village Area!)

Cloud: I remember this forest from my flashback!

Barrett: I just found out that the forest will eat us until we blow up the ground and get a harp.

Cloud: Ooh, more blowing up of stuff, we haven't done that in awhile, brings back memories.

-45 minutes and one giant crater later-

Cloud: found it! everyone goes through the forest

Tifa: Wow, a whole city that kinda looks like bones and shells... let's wander around it. they do so

Cloud: I like this house, there's a giant fish blocking the path.

Tifa: Let's try sleeping, maybe it'll move itself.

Cloud: -wakes- well what do you know, dead hanging fish must migrate.

Tifa: Down we go!

Barrett: Woah, pillars...

Aeris: -kneeling, all alone, on a strangely illuminated, stage-like, platform in the middle of some water several pillar jumps away.-

Cloud: AERIS! -hop, hop, hop!- Don't worry! I'll save you! We were meant to be together!

Aeris: Oh, hey Cloud, I'm glad you came. This wouldn't be half as emotional or dramatic without you!

Cloud: Huh, what are you talking about Aeris? I'm going to rescue you! We'll run away together and live out our lives as man and wife! We were meant to be together!

Sephiroth: NO YOU WEREN'T! -Impale!-

Aeries: ! –smile- Rosebud... -dramatically murdered!-

Cloud: NOOOOO! AERIS!! You sonofabich! We were gonna have babies!!

Sephiroth: Hehehe, I stabbed her in the uterus.

Cloud: I'll kill you!

Sephiroth: Not yet, but as a lovely parting gift you _can_ fight our mom! To Aeris' Theme no less, brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

Jenova Life: Hehehe, I'm ironic.

Cloud: -Unlifes her!-

Tifa: I-I can't believe Aeris is gone... she was one of the few if not only characters in this game with a complete storyline and purpose... weepy s-she wasn't just a stupid sellout stereotype! She had a soul! Unlike the rest of you cardboard cutouts!

Cloud: -Carries Aeris' limp body to a pool of water and lets her sink dramatically while being terribly remorseful- I-I'll avenge her, I'll hunt down Sephiroth and kill him!

Rest of the Party: We're with you!

-END DISK ONE!-

PART TWO

-Disk Two-

Cloud: Actually, I changed my mind. Let's do a bunch of side-quests!

Rest of Party: WOOHOO!

Tifa: But, How will we go about that?

Cloud: Well, first, we'll have to get out of this city, which means we have to chase that shadow of Sephiroth around for a bit. We'll also have to follow the Plot until we get the Airship.

Rest of Party: AAAW!

The Whole Group: -Chases Sephiroth and any and all vague leads of his passing all over the place-

(At Icicle Inn)

Cloud: -stares at Tifa's chest- Cold?

Tifa: They always look like this.

Barrett: Hey look, Videos!

Videos: Hi, I'm Professor Gast, and these are my tapes, they're conveniently stored here to provide you with a history lesson, and plot significance! Hey, did you know that Aeris' Mother was an Ancient One? It's true, her name was Ifalna and I totally banged her! Also, Jenova was a Crisis from the Sky, falling from, well, the sky. Scarring, and attacking the Planet Jenova was alien to this world and released a virus upon the Cetra. The Cetra are the Ancient Ones. The Planet was not able to heal itself as long as the Virus remained present, so the Cetra fought among themselves! In the end, they managed to contain and seal away the last Cetra with the Virus! I actually found the sleeping Jenova later, mistook it for an Ancient One, and began using its remains to build a synthetic clone army for Shinra Corp! (Not to be confused with other clone armies with stupid white plastic armor.) Sephiroth is one of such beings, and others were made and cloned from him! While ALL this was happening, the Planet created the WEAPONS to defend itself, the WEAPONs goal was to cleanse the Planet, wipe all life from it, so it could recover and start anew! When Jenova slept, the WEAPONs slept, but now that Jenova has reawakened with Sephiroth the WEAPONs will rise too! Are you bad enough to destroy the save humanity?

Barrett: Wow, that was a whole lot of importance.

Cloud: Yeah... It kinda makes me want to become an extreme sportsman!

Elena: Hey you! ROAR!

Cloud: -briskly sidesteps, and lets her roll on by!-

Elena: damnit...

Cloud: Anyway, does anyone have a snowboard?

Child: Here ya go!

Cloud: Thanks! KOWBUNGA! -spends HOURS snowboarding!-

Tifa: Shouldn't we start getting an Airship, avenging Aeris, and saving humanity from the Crisis?

Barrett: Let the boy have fun.

Cloud: Oooh, Icebergs! -hop, hop, hop!-

Tifa: It's really cold... let's go take shelter in that shack.

Cloud: Ok, but only if I get to melt this boss.

Snow: Wait, what?! -puddled!-

Tifa: -shivering- so cold...

Barrett: let us stomp and all cluster around Tifa for body heat!

Tifa: STOP touching my BOOBs.

Barrett: I can't not touch them they consume the whole frame.

Cloud: Leads crew all over the cold mountains and into another Boss Battle

Twinhead: I'm called Twinhead because I have two heads!

Cloud: -Dual Decapitation!-

Barrett: Finally! We're out of THAT.

Tall Crater Rim: Yeah, ain' it wonderful.

Barrett: Tell me that we're not going to have to climb that giant $#&ing thing...

Tall Crater Rim: Oh yes you do.

Cloud: ...oh damnit... -starts climbing-

Wind Barrier: Nevermind I changed my mind, but hey, look.

FMV: Wee, a crater. This is probably where Jenova crashed all those years ago.

Tifa: Darn, I'm already in your party, that means I can't force my way in!

Shinra: Hi, guess what I'm doing here? Trying to protect my clone army! Sephiroth's clone is killing them all!

Sephiroth: I'm setting them free! Ah-ha haha, HAHAHAHAHA!

Cloud: Woohoo, another big freaking party! -Scoots by the wind barriers carefully, following the black figurines towards the heart of some maze inside the crater!-

Sephiroth: I will cleanse this world! You cannot stop me! -Transformation!-

Jenova Death: ROAR!

Red 13: -Makes Bosses name Redundant!-

Dead Jenova Death: -Drops Black Materia!-

Red 13: -claims the m4d l00tz-

Tifa: Oh wow... this whole maze is psychedelic... a massive dreamscape.

(Within a replica of Nibelhiem)

Presence of Sephiroth: Cloud, when will you stop lying? When will you tell them how much of a useless failure you are? A ruined experiment living the life of someone else!

Cloud: No! Noooo! -flips out!-

Tifa: Don't listen to him Cloud! I'll protect you from your lies!

Sephiroth: It's too late! Cloud, you're nothing but a failed experiment! A Jenova clone that couldn't cut it! Check out this polaroid of the picture Tifa took, with Zack there!

Cloud: broken He's so right, no matter how kickass I am... I'm just a mistake!

(Meanwhile...at the heart of the maze!)

Rufus: Look at all this... it must be the Promised Land! Look at all that Mako Energy surrounding that Materia!

Hojo: The Jenova Reuinion is approaching...!

Black Creatures: -Gather, and line dance-

Materia Formation: Starts rumbling

Other Party Memebers: WTF?

Cloud: -wanders into heart of maze-

Sephiroth: Oh, I could have some fun with this! -Disguises himself as Tifa-

SephirTifa: -...touches self...- Oh, hey Red 13, Cloud is in danger, go find him, boy! Oh, and give me the black materia.

Red 13: Okay, -Gives-

Jenova: -Yawning widely- dang, that was one long nap! I better rupture the shiz out of this mountain as a display of my power.

Cid: Holy #$&! Let's get the $&# out of this (profanity) place!

Sephiroth: -Goes deeper into the crater-

Cloud: -fall!-

WEAPONS: -Rage and start f---ing stuff up!-

Tifa: Oh crap, a shockwave, time for me to fall unconscious again. -Flop-

Cid: Lets jump onto that Airship!

Barrett: Yes we got an airship!

Airship: -escapes with everyone, except Cloud and Tifa, to Junon!-

(In Junon)

Barrett: Well, damn, meteor has been summoned, Weapons are attacking everything the Northern Cave is blocked by a barrier and our Party's so much weaker without Cloud Strife. It's the end of the world, as we know it, it's the end of the world, as we know it, it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

Rufus and Heidegger: -Walk by dragging unconscious Tifa-

Barrett: I better follow them.

Rufus: -straps Tifa into a chair in the gas chamber- I like bondage!

Heidigger: Beg for Mercy you hugely-busted worm, as we seal you away in a complicated death trap and walk away insuring that you will find a way to escape and foil our plans, which we will tell you beforehand.

Rufus: I love our building designers, you'd think they'd leave the valve to shut off the gas outside the chamber so we can turn it on safely.

Heidigger: That would be too intelligent. -turns on gas-

Both: -leave-

WEAPON: -finishes his tea, Attacks Junon-

Cait Sith: Woohoo! -knocks out Scarlett!-

Guards: -Attack Cait Sith and Barrett-

Rufus: Hey, arm the giant cannon!

Heidegger: Okay!

Cannon: -boom-

WEAPON: ow... HULK SMASH!

Rufus: HOLY Crap, it didn't work.

Yuffie: I'm poorly feigning as a reporter, let me join your team!

Barrett: okay.

Tifa: Crap, I'm trapped, I better escape. -escapes dramatic before the gas in the room kills her- Hello gas valve. -turns gas off-

WEAPON: WAIT let me conveniently help you escape! -blows hole in roof!-

Cannon: -boom again-

WEAPON: ...ow.

Scarlet: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! We have to get in a sexy girly fight on top of this phallic cannon barrel! -Slap!-

Tifa: Guh, how dare you! -Smack!-

Scarlet: Harlot! -Swat!-

Tifa: Hussy! -Backhand!-

Scarlet: Trollop! -Hit!-

Tifa: Bitch! -Close-Fisted Punch!-

Scarlet: Auh! -falls to the ground-

Barrett: Damn... that was hot. Come see my cockpit, baby.

Tifa: feh, -jumps onto the Highwind, and goes to the cockpit-

Red 13: Check out that meteor in the sky!

Yuffie: -bursts out in uncontrollable giggling- It's pink! There's nothing scary about pink!

Barrett: Yay, we got an airship, now we can do sidequests!

Tifa: But Cloud's missing!

Rest of team: YAY! SIDEQUESTS!

(At Mideel)

Cid: I thought we were going to do sidequests, #$& it.

Barret: Yeah, well, we'll get around to it!

Yuffie: I'm looking forward to inbreeding chocobos!

Tifa: A cat! I love cats! Here kitty, kitty... -plays with cat-

Random NPC: Did you hear, a spiky-haired bishonuen beached himself near our town in despair!

Other Random NPC: Yeah I did, I hear he's at the hospital now!

Tifa: -runs there- Oh Cloud, I'm so glad you're okay! I'm not going to leave your side!

Cid: ...Screw this lovey-dovey $&# I'm going back to my ship.

(On the Highwind)

Cait Sith: Shinra is looking for Huge Materia at Fort Condor and Corel.

Cid: Excellent, since Tifa and Cloud are gone, I guess I'll be the new group leader. And to celebrate, I'll make certain my running animation is the stupidest thing ever.

(At Corel)

Barrett: These train tracks look familiar. Follows them

Shinra Train: So long suckers! -zoom!-

Cid: We got to chase them! -Runs off to get another train to follow the Shinra train with-

Red 13: This can't end well.

Cid: Hop on guys! -they all jump on the train.-

Hero Train: -Barrels down after the Shinra Train!-

Cid: Faster you useless (profanity)s!

Red 13: I can't do it captain, I don't have the power!

Cid: We're right by it, jump on!

Barrett: Are you (equal profanity)ing nuts?!

Red 13: -Kick, follows!-

Barrett: son of a bit-- OOF.

Cid: -Leads the party down the train roof, through several random battles-

Red 13: Why are there numbers floating in the sky slowly counting down?

Cid: Oh, that's just how long we have until this train crashes into Corel and causes massive casualties.

Barrett: WHAT!

Cid: better kill fast, Momma's boy!

Barrett: -kills fast-

Cid: Aaah, the gears are hot!

Barrett: Stop this #$&ing train!

Cid: -randomly messes with the levers-

Red 13: MORON, it's going faster now!

Cid: -messes with them some more!-

Red 13: We're not gonna make it!

Cid: STFU you #&$ing sissy, the player has the strategy guide! -stops the train at the last second!-

Barrett: Whew. -snags the Huge Materia-

Young Boy: Thank you for saving our city have this Materia, who knows how I got it.

Barrett: -yoinks it- who cares, thanks!

Lady: Hello, would you like your level 4 limit break now, or later?

Barrett: hrmmm, lemme think about that... give it now! -Take!-

Cid: Next!

(At Fort Condor.)

Citizen of Fort Condor: We're a mini-game!

Cid: Yes! Finally!

Different Citizen, with same sprite: We're under attack, please help us by doing a tedious strategy game-like mini game!

Cid: okay.

(In the Mini-Game)

Clustered group of Red Guys(Shinra): We will destroy them! RARGH!

Clutered Group of Blue(Ft. Condor): -bowl them over with rocks and charges-

(Back in Fort Condor)

NPC: that was, tragically unchallenging...

Cid: -snags the summon Phoenix Materia-

Praying Guy: Thanks for saving us, have a huge materia.

Cid: thanks.

Praying Guy: By the way, there's another huge materia in Junon.

Cid: I wish I could be an NPC so I could know everything.

Red 13: As much as I'd like to go get that huge materia, I have this urge to go get Tifa first.

Barrett: Me too.

(At Mideel)

Cid: Hey Tifa, can you jump up and down so that the weight of your breasts causes the screen to shake again. -Screen Shakes-

Tifa: It is not, and never was, me that caused that phenomenon.

Cid: I wonder what causes it then... -rushes outside-

Ultima Weapon: -Flys about like it owns the place.-

Cid: HEY YOU (Vulgar Word!) Stop trashing paradise!

Ultima Weapon: Ror! –attack-

Cid and Team: -prove Ultima isn't that ultimate after all.-

Ultima Weapon: -Flee!-

Mideel: -some kind of-plodes-

Cloud: -Discovers gravity, again-

Tifa: is it just me or does Cloud fall down holes a lot in this game? -Follows him-

(Within the Lifestream)

Lifestream: Hey Welcome!

Tifa: -freaks out- Grrkt... zergk...

Lifestream: Glad to see you like it here, always good to have another satisfied customer.

Tifa: I-I must be inside Cloud's memories... -Talks to floating Clouds-

Many Different Gravity Resistant Clouds: -Tell Tifa what she already knows, like that Cloud was never a SOLDIER, that was Zack, That Cloud took his place when he was killed and pretended to be this great important person, but never was. That Cloud was just a grunt and Tifa knew it, she let him get away with the lies, and that Cloud really is a failed experiment.-

Tifa: I'm sorry, I should have helped you sooner. Even though you are a faulty clone, you are still a person; you still have a purpose.

Cloud: I understand, this is getting very sappy, let's go back to the adventure!

(Back in the Highwind)

Cloud: Well I'm back guys, and as my first act as returned party leader I say we all go make some Chocobo p0rn!

Team Hip, Hip, Horrah! -The Team flies around and catches a whole mess of Chocobos-

Cloud: -Encourages inbreeding!-

Gold Chocobo: ...-Trama- My half-sister is my mom...

Cloud: Check out this really long summon sequence I found, this will really come in handy.

Team: -Falls asleep half-way through it-

(At Junon)

Elevator Guy: Wanna ride the elevator?

Cloud and Barrett: Are there stairs by any chance?

Red 13: -glares at them- Yes, we want to ride the elevator! -The team rides the elevator up.-

Cloud: -Leads the group all over the base killing everything that moves the wrong way.-

Tifa: Hey, look! They're loading that huge materia into that sub!

Cloud: Charge!

Reno: Oh crud! -Hides behind the Carry Armour-

Tifa: -Crushes!-

Reno: So long, suckers! -flees in his sub-

Cloud: Jumps into a different sub, kills all the guards, and gives chase!

-C Cloud's Sub R Rufus' Sub o torpedo-

--------------------

-----C-------------

-------o------------

---------o----------

-----------oR------

---------------------

Reno: Gack! -Exploded!-

Cloud: Winnar! -Pillages downed Sub-

Random Information: There's a Sunken Ship by the Golden Saucer!

Cloud: -Loots that too!-

Reno and Rude: Not so fast!

Red 13: I thought we blew you up! -Defeats!-

Informative FMV: A plane is escaping with another huge materia!

Cloud: oy, off we go again.

Red 13: I wonder how heavy these things are, since they're huge.

Cloud: They can't be any heavier then Tifa's breasts.

Tifa: I heard that!

(At Rocket Town!)

Cloud: -Rushes for the rocket ship, killing everything in his path-

Cid: I wanna come with you!

Cloud: ... decisions... See ya later Tifa! -Onward!-

Cid: thumbs his nose at Tifa -Owned!-

Rude: Me and My soldiers will stop you!

Cid: -Impale- No they won't.

Cloud: Cid pilot this thing.

Cid: Aaw, how nice someone left us a bomb.

Cloud: Serious? I thought we were the only people with access to bombs. -Deactivates the bomb, takes the huge materia, only to walk by some gas tanks and have them explode.-

Rubble: -Pins Cid in-

Shera: -Rescues Cid-

Red 13: Tiiiimbeeer!

Rocket: -Bodyslams rocket town, 'cause The Rock said so!-

(Back in the Highwind)

Red 13: Okay, these things are really heavy, Bugenhagen can store them for us, and I want to go home anyway.

Cid: Okay.

(At Cosmo Canyon)

Cloud: I miss Aeris...

Tifa: It was a terrible loss...

Red 13: I should have humped her when I had the chance.

Cloud: Will you look after these mystic rocks for us, Bugenhagen?

Bugenhagen: But of course! But, will you take me to the city of the Ancients?

Team: -TAKE!-

(at the City of Ancients)

Team: -follows Bugenhagen!-

Bugenhagen: It's sad that Aeris had to go, she was the only one who could summon Holy, without Holy we're doomed. It's only a matter of time before Jenova, or the WEAPONS destroy us all...

Cloud: -Spends a few moments wondering why so many organizations and professions in this game have all caps, with WEAPONS, AVALANCHE, SOLDIER and all...-

Red 13: Well, I'm not going down without a fight!

Barrett: (bleep) right! We'll take down those WEAPONS and hand Sephiroth's arse to him!

Tifa: Holy Crap, the sister ray (giant cannon) has been moved to Midgar, and so has one of the WEAPONs!

Cloud: We have to stop it! -Heroic away!-

(Outside Midgar)

Cloud: lounges on the beach and waits for WEAPON to touch land

Diamond WEAPON: -puts toe on land.-

Team: -Jump/ambush!-

Diamond WEAPON: ROAR!

Team: -Smite!-

Sister Ray: -Smites Harder, and looks more badarse doing so-

Beam of Sister Ray: -Blows right through Diamond Weapon and slams into the barrier surrounding the Northern Crater-

Diamond Weapon: o-Owie... -Fires a Volley of Blasts into Midgar.-

Rufus Shinra: -Goes Boom-

Cloud: Holy Crap, that gun is strong, we have to blow that thing up, c'mon!

(Inside Midgar)

FMV: Midgar got tore up pretty bad, yo!

Cait Sith: Kind of amusing that Rufus and that Weapon took each other out like that... We'll have to go through these sewers to get to where we wanna be.

Cloud: Eh, it's been awhile since I've been through sewers, I may as well go! -Leads the group through sewers!-

Reno, Rude and Elena: Hi again.

Red 13: How many times do we have to fight you guys before you just DIE.

Cid: -beats them like his wife-

Cloud: -Continues on his way-

(Outside Shinra HQ)

Heidegger and Scarlet, (inside Prod Clod): GRR Not so fast!

Red 13: -Disassembles Prod Clod- STFU!

Cloud: -Leads team up stairs-

Barrett: Woot my ultimate weapon!

Cloud: -Continues up.-

Hojo: Hi, I'm Sephiroth's Dad, we're gonna fight soon, but first you have to stand there and little to me ramble on insanely about how awesome my sperm is.

Cloud: ...Um, no! -Fights!-

Hojo: -Bes a pain in the arse to kill-

Cloud: -Kills him regardless?-

Barrett: -Overloads the Sister Ray- She's gonna blow!

Everyone: -Flees to the Highwind!-

Insert cool FMV of Sister Ray exploding and the Northern Crater being all ominous

(During Cutscene)

Cloud: Well, our path is open to us now, the path to Sephiroth, now we have to kill him.

Tifa: Serious Yeah...

-END DISK TWO!-

PART THREE

-Disk Three-

(On deck of Highwind)

Cloud: -Looking down into the Crater- ...I wanna go snowboarding some more!

Tifa: Who'da thought the end of the world would wait until it was convenient for you to go stop it.

Red 13: Yeah, real polite that Judgment Day, good man.

Yuffie: I wanna save the world noooow! –Tantrum-

Cloud: But I can race chocobos, and play the sub game, if I go to the Golden Saucer I can play the biker mission thing too! There's so much to do!

Vincient: Let the world be consumed and destroyed, it doesn't matter, MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!

Cloud: -eyetwitch- Riiight, we're taking you to a chasm behind a waterfall.

(At Lucrectia's Resting Place (Formerly known as a chasm behind a waterfall))

Vincent: Lucretia, I miss you! My life is empty without you! My soul without purpose! That I let you die without holding you in my arms! I am condemned to live forever without you! My life is but an endless sea of regret and guilt!

Lucretia: Suck it up crybaby, and take your level 4 limit break. Get over yourself, I'll always be with you, or some sap. Now ged'owda'ere and save the world!

Vincent: -whipped- Yes darling...

(At the Northern Cave)

Cloud: Couldn't we go kill the Weapons?

Red 13: JUST JUMP OVER THE TINY PITS ALREADY!

Tifa: Don't forget this portable save point. -Carries-

Vincent: -bes angsty emo-goth-

Cloud: -jumps, falls, and climbs all over the cave-

Tifa: Are we there yet?

Red 13: One more word out of you and I headbutt you off a cliff!

Cloud: Oh great, a forked path...

Freddy from Scooby Doo(Is and was never in this game): Okay gang, let's split up! Tifa, you Red 13 and Yuffie go with Cloud down that hole. Vincent, you take Cid, Cait Sith, and Barret down that hole!

Team Estrogen: -Romps and jumps all over until they get to a set of ladders-

Tifa: Oops. -Drops the portable save point-

Cloud: No biggy, let's just go down that other ladder. -Does so!-

Team Testosterone: -Bump into team when they come down from the ladder- There you are!

Cloud: Let's keep going, you left and down. Me right and up!

Both Teams: -frolic and skip through the rocky tunnels-

(At the Place of Gathering)

Cait Sith: I find it funny that all these paths lead to the same spot regardless...

Red 23: Ain't that just the best thing ever?

Cloud: -takes all the items from them, sets up his team, LEAPS DOWN!- GERONIMO!

Random Battles: -Are thrashed-

Cait Sith: Once we go down, we can't go back up...

Cloud: Alright, let's get this over with! -Leap!-

Jenova Synthesis: Hi son.

Cloud: Hi mom.

Vincent: I-I wish I had a mom... -Sniffle-

Cloud: Mom, if you're really strong, could you kill him first?

Jenova Synthesis: I make no promises.

Cid: -Pulverizes Jenova Synthesis-

Ground: -crumbles apart-

Team Angst: -begins to float-

Bizarro Sephiroth: Man, I'm not so sexy anymore...

Cloud: I'll avenge Aeris by killing you!

Bizarro Sephiroth: You talk big for someone that doesn't have an unnecessary number of appendages and spare body parts like I do!

Team One: -Clobbers Bizarro's Torso!-

Team Angst: -Owns up the rest of Bizarro's body parts-

Barrett: #&! Yeah! Did we win?!

Safer Sephiroth: NOT JUST YET!

Cloud: ...Safer? You don't look very safe, and you definitely haven't been acting or being safe... that's some nice translation you got there!

Safer Sephiroth: SHUT UP! Be paralyzed with terror, weakling! -Proceeds to destroy the same universe over and over and over again.-

Cloud: -Competitively summons Knights of the Round-

Sephiroth and Cloud: -Battle over who's overpowered, unfathomable, and completely redundant summon sequences takes longer.-

Cloud: WHEN WILL YOU DIE?!

Sephiroth: I dunno, what level are you?

Cloud: -facepalm- d'oh...

Red 13: -Destroys Safer Sephiroth with his Limit Break-

Sephiroth: G-gah... me and you, boy, one-on-one!

Cloud: Okay, but the programmers made this fight impossible for me to lose. -Omnislashes Sephiroth into flesh-shavings.-

Sephiroth: -DEADED-

Cloud: Hehehe, I stabbed him in the uterus.

Red 13: Men don't have u--

Cid: Let him have his victory!

Ending FMV: Hey look, everyone's escaping from the explosive crater!

Barrett: I just realized we spent an abnormal amount of time in this game falling down holes and escaping from explosions...

Ending FMV: Oh look you barely escaped, how dramatic! And Tifa and Cloud share a moment. Hey! The Planet is repairing itself! Look, Aeris has become one with the planet, her soul, one with the lifestream! Everything's going to be okay! THE END!

**CREDITS:**

I'd like to thank everyone who bumped the thread and took the time out of their forum lurking to read this and get a laugh. All the G4 forum members (Ryu, Rayo Kiros, etc ;)) for supporting it and not flaming me (what a surprise!) The G4ums for not locking deleting or other such, and hosting it. Squaresoft(enix) for making a game like FF7, that is so bad it has to be good (or so good it has to be bad based on your opinion! :P) Eric Salonis and "Mot" for helping me remember certain parts of the game and story line of when, where and what. My photographic memory and Laura Guy (aka Dark Angel) who's GAMEFAQS FAQ I paraphrased and mapped from when I was sure I forgot certain game elements.

I'm done now! Thanks for reading, and I hope you laughed and enjoyed it.


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